I'm all for people finding love and embracing it for all the world to know... to a goddamn extent. "Happy" couples who post every last motherfucking detail of their mundane lives annoy the shit out of me. I log into Facebook once a day to see if I'm missing anyones birthday that I remotely care about and end up witnessing ludicrous couples proclaiming their love for one another via Facebook posts. "Happy anniversary, babe!" or "Happy birthday, sweetie!" are my favorites. Unless you're significant other is shipped off to Iraq, fighting whatever pointless war the United States has gotten itself into this time, there is no fucking point for you to post this nonsense on their wall for ALLLLL your fake little friends to see. If you wake up next to that person each and every goddamn day, simply utter the words, "happy anniversary" or "happy birthday" to them before you take your morning shit and shower for work, then, give them the overly sentimental card you picked out from Kroger the night before and call it a damn day.
Do not, for any reason, log onto your Facebook and post to their wall affirming each and every goddamn reason you love them for all Facebook to see. Additionally, this act of overcompensating almost always leads to a comment from an annoying older person who doesn't quite understand the purpose of Facebook and concocts a grammatically incorrect, misspelled post: "Yall are to cute! OMG love aunt Kathy"... Literally, leave it to these fucks to post nonsense like that.
Since I've given my blatant stance on these dimwitted posts, what do I deem worthy of public acknowledgment? Here is a list of acceptable posts made true by either individual of the "happy" couple:
1) You're engaged. How fucking great. Congrats. I find a simple Instagram post and Facebook status highlighting the ring to be entirely sufficient. Don't overdo this one. There are many, many single people out there that do not need reaffirmation of their shortcomings. On the other side, there are many, many married couples laughing at their screens wishing they could warn you now.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about an engagement photo album. You may very well have them done, but keep them to yourselves, use them for the newspaper announcement, pass them along to family members, or make "save the dates" out of them. That is it.
2) Your engagement lasted long enough to see your wedding day. Weddings are special events. Hopefully an event you only have once in your life. Utilize Facebook to add an album of your best photos and post a picture of yourselves on Instagram for all to envy in your love. Ultimately, your allowing many individuals, close and far, to make critical assessments of the monstrosity known as your wedding dress or how incredibly uncomfortable the husband looks in pictures.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about seeing you get your hair done, the cute little baskets you made for your bridesmaids, or what the groom and groomsmen were drinking before and after the ceremony. If you love the pictures so much, print them out and add them to your scrapbooks. Whoever you force into viewing your compilation will have the displeasure of flipping through as fast as they can to get back to whatever the fuck they were doing before.
3) You decided to reproduce. Holy hell. This is my biggest pet peeve about "happy" couples. For whatever reason, a child affirms a couples' love in soOoOo many ways. NO, it does not. It says 1) you planned horribly by having a child so early into your marriage that you'll never know what it's like being just the two of you, very well leading to divorce once your kids are grown. 2) If you're not engaged or married already, it was a fucking mistake and you're using the child as a means of maintaining an otherwise unhappy relationship, or 3) You're just super-fucking-pumped for having finally conceived after many years of trying. Number 3 is the only reason I'd like to see sonogram pictures or newborn alien-like babies. But, sadly, it's very rare in this day of age.
Fun fact: A woman is at much higher risk of miscarriage during her first trimester. WAIT A GOD DAMN MINUTE before you post any pictures of that peanut-sized fetus, unless you want your next Facebook post to be a status explaining why there is no longer a bun in your over. Get the point? You're letting too many people into your boring lives by posting all this nonsensical shit across all your social media accounts.
Note: Nobody needs a play-by-play of your pregnancy, there are forums and doctors for that kind of rubbish. Additionally, twenty years down the road, your kid may actually get really fucking pissed for having absurd photos of their childhood blasted across your profiles. It's there FOREVER, people.
Examples: A pea-sized fetus and clichéd engagement photo.
More to come on this persistent phenomenon soon.
-dylsny
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