How to Catch a Homo

In reference to my last blog, how may one determine whether her boyfriend fancies D instead of V?

• Does your boyfriend take more time than you to get ready? (Really, with buzz cuts and no makeup to be worn, there's NO excuse)
• Does your boyfriend have trouble getting it up and keeping it up?
• Does he seem to space out during sex? i.e. He's thinking about other things... 8===)
• Have you ever caught him checking out other men?
• Have your girlfriends and gay BFFs ever confronted you about the possibility your boyfriend enjoys the company of other raging hard-ons besides his own?
• Is his phone typically off limits? (Does he have something to hide?)
• Does he prefer to watch HGTV over ESPN?
• Does he have an unexplainably strange relationship with a known or assumed homosexual?

*Overcompensation (of his masculinity) is a dead giveaway, as well.

If, for whatever reason, you suspect your boyfriend of being interested in other men, here are some ways to snoop:

• Sure, you've never seen suspicious dating apps on his phone before, but when you delete an app from your phone, it's still downloadable from the cloud or your phone's memory. Many down-low "straight" guys get a random urge to act on their deepest desires for dick and often, repeatedly, download and delete apps like Grindr. Grab his phone, go to the app store and type in Grindr... It's the go-to hook-up app for "straight" guys seeking the D. If it has been downloaded before, you have a raging homosexual on your hands.

• Check his internet browser history. This is a no-brainer. If he uses a personal laptop that rarely has other users, he's not taking the time to delete his history... unless he's completely paranoid. So check out what kind of porn he's into. Every guy looks at it, straight or gay.

• If you've had friends tell you they think your boyfriend is gay... take it seriously. You may have the gaydar of a blind and deaf, mentally challenged first grader, but some of your friends, especially the gay ones, are usually spot-on. Set the closet-case up. If you have a gay friend at your disposal that your boyfriend has never met, have him make a move on your boyfriend. Sometimes the timing and setting isn't even an issue, all men would react differently to being hit on by another guy. Those with something to hide would most likely have the biggest problem. Reaction is key. Unless he's a major homophobe, it shouldn't be hostile. On the other hand, if he returns subtle gestures to the undercover queer, then something is inevitably off.

*Remember, most guys date women before they accept their homosexuality, if they ever do, and it's most prominent during the college years.

These all sound like paranoid ways to "catch a homo," but there's no reason any woman should feel like her boyfriend isn't attracted to her, you know, because there's a V where he'd prefer a D.

To prove I'm not making this shit up and these "down-low" and "curious" guys exist, here are some Grindr profiles I encountered in my last semester of WVU. Just one semester. These are the only ones I kept record of... In Morgantown, this was common:

1) 2)

3)4)

5)6)

Exhibit 1: This guy clearly lists he has a girlfriend he's not out to as, I'm assuming, bisexual. Looking for "NSA fun"... Cool, so your girlfriend doesn't know you like other men OR that you're using Grindr to solicit sex? Winner.

Exhibit 2: I talked to this guy from time to time. He was interested in "NSA fun" as well, and claimed to be "bi-curious", which is a "justifiable" way to say he was "straight" and closeted. I don't know if a girlfriend existed with this one... Got a lot of dick pics, though.

Exhibit 3: "Straight-curious"... come on, really? In the Grindr world, this headless torso has probably seen a lot action with other guys, as long as his secret face was cute. At what point- how many same-sex hookups- would you consider a man "straight-curious"? Personally, a one-time tryst should shed light onto whether a guy has homosexual desires. When they're soliciting sex on Grindr, or have been with several other men, they're easily a closeted, denying bisexual, if not blatant homosexual.

Exhibit 4: "If I am on, I am looking for DL fun." Umm, ok, closet-case "straight" guy. These types, with no picture at all, clearly only looking for sex, are the worst. They run rampant in the Morgantown Grindr scene.

Exhibit 5: This "straight" guy was especially hot. I would've loved to run into him on campus to see him in his natural habitat. He had a thing for gym fantasies. Literally, he wanted to suck someone off at the rec center after his workouts.

Exhibit 6: I hope you can't see this guys face, I was honestly too lazy to blur it out. Oh well, he was "definitely not" out, so you can put two-and-two together. I had never seen him on campus, so I really couldn't tell you. His secrecy, though, alluded to a "down-low", "straight" man.

So, does that make you girls wonder what some "straight" guys are doing behind closed doors? It should...

I think I'm going to start luring "straight" guys who use these apps into a trap and post their pictures online for all to see and identify. That would surely make me famous... and probably the most hated gay ever. Ohh well, it may teach otherwise "straight" men not to stray from their heterosexual lifestyles when they are clearly dating and misleading women.

-dylsny