http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/my-boyfriend-came-out-to-me-after-we-dated-for-six-years#ptojkc
October 10, 2014
Coincidence? Told You, THIS IS REAL LIFE
Remember that post about the guy I was hooking up with who had a girlfriend of 6 years? I think she finally came to her senses... Coinghcidence? Beware, you very well could be dating a closeted homo! Thanks for sharing, Hannah!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/my-boyfriend-came-out-to-me-after-we-dated-for-six-years#ptojkc
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/my-boyfriend-came-out-to-me-after-we-dated-for-six-years#ptojkc
October 6, 2014
The "Happy" Couple Posts
Nothing gets me going quite like stumbling upon an array of exaggerated and overdone couples photo collages. One reason I can't stand to get on Facebook anymore is the plethora of babies and engagement announcements that crowd my newsfeed. Who's to blame? Well, it's the "happy couple" that insists on beautifying their otherwise dull and monotonous lives by sharing to each and every unsuspecting individual within their social network. It's an immediate "unfollow" for me.
I'm all for people finding love and embracing it for all the world to know... to a goddamn extent. "Happy" couples who post every last motherfucking detail of their mundane lives annoy the shit out of me. I log into Facebook once a day to see if I'm missing anyones birthday that I remotely care about and end up witnessing ludicrous couples proclaiming their love for one another via Facebook posts. "Happy anniversary, babe!" or "Happy birthday, sweetie!" are my favorites. Unless you're significant other is shipped off to Iraq, fighting whatever pointless war the United States has gotten itself into this time, there is no fucking point for you to post this nonsense on their wall for ALLLLL your fake little friends to see. If you wake up next to that person each and every goddamn day, simply utter the words, "happy anniversary" or "happy birthday" to them before you take your morning shit and shower for work, then, give them the overly sentimental card you picked out from Kroger the night before and call it a damn day.
Do not, for any reason, log onto your Facebook and post to their wall affirming each and every goddamn reason you love them for all Facebook to see. Additionally, this act of overcompensating almost always leads to a comment from an annoying older person who doesn't quite understand the purpose of Facebook and concocts a grammatically incorrect, misspelled post: "Yall are to cute! OMG love aunt Kathy"... Literally, leave it to these fucks to post nonsense like that.
Since I've given my blatant stance on these dimwitted posts, what do I deem worthy of public acknowledgment? Here is a list of acceptable posts made true by either individual of the "happy" couple:
1) You're engaged. How fucking great. Congrats. I find a simple Instagram post and Facebook status highlighting the ring to be entirely sufficient. Don't overdo this one. There are many, many single people out there that do not need reaffirmation of their shortcomings. On the other side, there are many, many married couples laughing at their screens wishing they could warn you now.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about an engagement photo album. You may very well have them done, but keep them to yourselves, use them for the newspaper announcement, pass them along to family members, or make "save the dates" out of them. That is it.
2) Your engagement lasted long enough to see your wedding day. Weddings are special events. Hopefully an event you only have once in your life. Utilize Facebook to add an album of your best photos and post a picture of yourselves on Instagram for all to envy in your love. Ultimately, your allowing many individuals, close and far, to make critical assessments of the monstrosity known as your wedding dress or how incredibly uncomfortable the husband looks in pictures.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about seeing you get your hair done, the cute little baskets you made for your bridesmaids, or what the groom and groomsmen were drinking before and after the ceremony. If you love the pictures so much, print them out and add them to your scrapbooks. Whoever you force into viewing your compilation will have the displeasure of flipping through as fast as they can to get back to whatever the fuck they were doing before.
3) You decided to reproduce. Holy hell. This is my biggest pet peeve about "happy" couples. For whatever reason, a child affirms a couples' love in soOoOo many ways. NO, it does not. It says 1) you planned horribly by having a child so early into your marriage that you'll never know what it's like being just the two of you, very well leading to divorce once your kids are grown. 2) If you're not engaged or married already, it was a fucking mistake and you're using the child as a means of maintaining an otherwise unhappy relationship, or 3) You're just super-fucking-pumped for having finally conceived after many years of trying. Number 3 is the only reason I'd like to see sonogram pictures or newborn alien-like babies. But, sadly, it's very rare in this day of age.
Fun fact: A woman is at much higher risk of miscarriage during her first trimester. WAIT A GOD DAMN MINUTE before you post any pictures of that peanut-sized fetus, unless you want your next Facebook post to be a status explaining why there is no longer a bun in your over. Get the point? You're letting too many people into your boring lives by posting all this nonsensical shit across all your social media accounts.
Note: Nobody needs a play-by-play of your pregnancy, there are forums and doctors for that kind of rubbish. Additionally, twenty years down the road, your kid may actually get really fucking pissed for having absurd photos of their childhood blasted across your profiles. It's there FOREVER, people.
Examples: A pea-sized fetus and clichéd engagement photo.
More to come on this persistent phenomenon soon.
-dylsny
I'm all for people finding love and embracing it for all the world to know... to a goddamn extent. "Happy" couples who post every last motherfucking detail of their mundane lives annoy the shit out of me. I log into Facebook once a day to see if I'm missing anyones birthday that I remotely care about and end up witnessing ludicrous couples proclaiming their love for one another via Facebook posts. "Happy anniversary, babe!" or "Happy birthday, sweetie!" are my favorites. Unless you're significant other is shipped off to Iraq, fighting whatever pointless war the United States has gotten itself into this time, there is no fucking point for you to post this nonsense on their wall for ALLLLL your fake little friends to see. If you wake up next to that person each and every goddamn day, simply utter the words, "happy anniversary" or "happy birthday" to them before you take your morning shit and shower for work, then, give them the overly sentimental card you picked out from Kroger the night before and call it a damn day.
Do not, for any reason, log onto your Facebook and post to their wall affirming each and every goddamn reason you love them for all Facebook to see. Additionally, this act of overcompensating almost always leads to a comment from an annoying older person who doesn't quite understand the purpose of Facebook and concocts a grammatically incorrect, misspelled post: "Yall are to cute! OMG love aunt Kathy"... Literally, leave it to these fucks to post nonsense like that.
Since I've given my blatant stance on these dimwitted posts, what do I deem worthy of public acknowledgment? Here is a list of acceptable posts made true by either individual of the "happy" couple:
1) You're engaged. How fucking great. Congrats. I find a simple Instagram post and Facebook status highlighting the ring to be entirely sufficient. Don't overdo this one. There are many, many single people out there that do not need reaffirmation of their shortcomings. On the other side, there are many, many married couples laughing at their screens wishing they could warn you now.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about an engagement photo album. You may very well have them done, but keep them to yourselves, use them for the newspaper announcement, pass them along to family members, or make "save the dates" out of them. That is it.
2) Your engagement lasted long enough to see your wedding day. Weddings are special events. Hopefully an event you only have once in your life. Utilize Facebook to add an album of your best photos and post a picture of yourselves on Instagram for all to envy in your love. Ultimately, your allowing many individuals, close and far, to make critical assessments of the monstrosity known as your wedding dress or how incredibly uncomfortable the husband looks in pictures.
Note: Nobody gives a shit about seeing you get your hair done, the cute little baskets you made for your bridesmaids, or what the groom and groomsmen were drinking before and after the ceremony. If you love the pictures so much, print them out and add them to your scrapbooks. Whoever you force into viewing your compilation will have the displeasure of flipping through as fast as they can to get back to whatever the fuck they were doing before.
3) You decided to reproduce. Holy hell. This is my biggest pet peeve about "happy" couples. For whatever reason, a child affirms a couples' love in soOoOo many ways. NO, it does not. It says 1) you planned horribly by having a child so early into your marriage that you'll never know what it's like being just the two of you, very well leading to divorce once your kids are grown. 2) If you're not engaged or married already, it was a fucking mistake and you're using the child as a means of maintaining an otherwise unhappy relationship, or 3) You're just super-fucking-pumped for having finally conceived after many years of trying. Number 3 is the only reason I'd like to see sonogram pictures or newborn alien-like babies. But, sadly, it's very rare in this day of age.
Fun fact: A woman is at much higher risk of miscarriage during her first trimester. WAIT A GOD DAMN MINUTE before you post any pictures of that peanut-sized fetus, unless you want your next Facebook post to be a status explaining why there is no longer a bun in your over. Get the point? You're letting too many people into your boring lives by posting all this nonsensical shit across all your social media accounts.
Note: Nobody needs a play-by-play of your pregnancy, there are forums and doctors for that kind of rubbish. Additionally, twenty years down the road, your kid may actually get really fucking pissed for having absurd photos of their childhood blasted across your profiles. It's there FOREVER, people.
Examples: A pea-sized fetus and clichéd engagement photo.
More to come on this persistent phenomenon soon.
-dylsny
October 3, 2014
Chronic Nice Guy
In addition to sharing unsolicited help targeted towards women, I'm offering pointers to my male readers as well.
First up: Relieving Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome
Have a friend who is simply too nice to girls? Is he average in appearance and particularly awkward around women? Does he constantly sulk in self pity? Well, if so, we have a serious case of Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome to address. Typically, a man suffering from CNGS rarely dates and often times lags behind his friends when picking up girls. He tries, unsuccessfully, to bring these unknowing broads back to his home, which most times is far nicer than his confidants, but fails miserably and becomes the laughingstock of his buddies. A man suffering from CNGS tries hard to maintain a certain physique to compete with his friends, but is mostly left unsatisfied with lagging results, usually triggered by mild depression and a mundane desk job.
What you don't realize is that these men are prime husband material. They literally give into whatever their woman desires. Chronic Nice Guys rarely feed the fire during fights. With that said, the women who end up dating "nice guys" wear the pants in the relationship and control many aspects of their rather normal lifestyle. Literally, the only type of woman who's drawn to these men are those on a severe and sometimes unexplainable power trip to control EVERY ASPECT of that poor sap's life.
How can a man suffering from this pathetic illness relieve himself of such? No matter how kind and caring his mother taught him to treat a woman, forget everything. Girls, for whatever reason, love a chase. They desire someone with attitude and an "IDGAF" mentality. Inevitably, it destroys a woman's confidence and self-respect, but just like these trifling hoes, a man with CNGS has a lesson to learn. Finding a respectable balance between both opposite ends of the male dating spectrum is key. Adopt the "IDGAF" mentality when deciding between certain critical decisions, like where to eat and what movie to see. It shouldn't always be the girlfriend's choice. Don't come on too strong at bars: give a girl her space, buy her a drink, partake in small talk, then go find another broad to mirror the gesture. It will make Girl #1 jealous in no time.
Remember, when correcting CNGS, one must find harmony between his natural demeanor and that of the douchebag who picked on him in high school. When left untreated, CNGS may cause extra-marital affairs... their wives will literally find any guy remotely interesting to fuck, because their husbands are simply too boring to bear. On the flip side, men with an "IDGAF" mentality will break-up a similar marriage by cheating on his wife multiple times because he never truly cared for anyone but himself.
See... Balance.
Rarely, Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome may also lead to a long life of lonely misery. Men who are often unwilling to change find themselves in their mid-forties with an average job dodging gay rumors. Who the fuck wants that?
In closing, to all you nice guys longing for a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex: man up. Change your technique, adopt an "IDGAF" mentality during necessary times, start playing the field, and avoid women already in a relationship. I don't know what it is about "nice guys," but they're always targeting women who clearly have a boyfriend or a specified fuck buddy. Good luck, guys!
-dylsny
First up: Relieving Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome
Have a friend who is simply too nice to girls? Is he average in appearance and particularly awkward around women? Does he constantly sulk in self pity? Well, if so, we have a serious case of Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome to address. Typically, a man suffering from CNGS rarely dates and often times lags behind his friends when picking up girls. He tries, unsuccessfully, to bring these unknowing broads back to his home, which most times is far nicer than his confidants, but fails miserably and becomes the laughingstock of his buddies. A man suffering from CNGS tries hard to maintain a certain physique to compete with his friends, but is mostly left unsatisfied with lagging results, usually triggered by mild depression and a mundane desk job.
What you don't realize is that these men are prime husband material. They literally give into whatever their woman desires. Chronic Nice Guys rarely feed the fire during fights. With that said, the women who end up dating "nice guys" wear the pants in the relationship and control many aspects of their rather normal lifestyle. Literally, the only type of woman who's drawn to these men are those on a severe and sometimes unexplainable power trip to control EVERY ASPECT of that poor sap's life.
How can a man suffering from this pathetic illness relieve himself of such? No matter how kind and caring his mother taught him to treat a woman, forget everything. Girls, for whatever reason, love a chase. They desire someone with attitude and an "IDGAF" mentality. Inevitably, it destroys a woman's confidence and self-respect, but just like these trifling hoes, a man with CNGS has a lesson to learn. Finding a respectable balance between both opposite ends of the male dating spectrum is key. Adopt the "IDGAF" mentality when deciding between certain critical decisions, like where to eat and what movie to see. It shouldn't always be the girlfriend's choice. Don't come on too strong at bars: give a girl her space, buy her a drink, partake in small talk, then go find another broad to mirror the gesture. It will make Girl #1 jealous in no time.
Remember, when correcting CNGS, one must find harmony between his natural demeanor and that of the douchebag who picked on him in high school. When left untreated, CNGS may cause extra-marital affairs... their wives will literally find any guy remotely interesting to fuck, because their husbands are simply too boring to bear. On the flip side, men with an "IDGAF" mentality will break-up a similar marriage by cheating on his wife multiple times because he never truly cared for anyone but himself.
See... Balance.
Rarely, Chronic Nice Guy Syndrome may also lead to a long life of lonely misery. Men who are often unwilling to change find themselves in their mid-forties with an average job dodging gay rumors. Who the fuck wants that?
In closing, to all you nice guys longing for a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex: man up. Change your technique, adopt an "IDGAF" mentality during necessary times, start playing the field, and avoid women already in a relationship. I don't know what it is about "nice guys," but they're always targeting women who clearly have a boyfriend or a specified fuck buddy. Good luck, guys!
-dylsny
October 2, 2014
How to Catch a Homo
In reference to my last blog, how may one determine whether her boyfriend fancies D instead of V?
*Overcompensation (of his masculinity) is a dead giveaway, as well.
If, for whatever reason, you suspect your boyfriend of being interested in other men, here are some ways to snoop:
These all sound like paranoid ways to "catch a homo," but there's no reason any woman should feel like her boyfriend isn't attracted to her, you know, because there's a V where he'd prefer a D.
To prove I'm not making this shit up and these "down-low" and "curious" guys exist, here are some Grindr profiles I encountered in my last semester of WVU. Just one semester. These are the only ones I kept record of... In Morgantown, this was common:
Exhibit 1: This guy clearly lists he has a girlfriend he's not out to as, I'm assuming, bisexual. Looking for "NSA fun"... Cool, so your girlfriend doesn't know you like other men OR that you're using Grindr to solicit sex? Winner.
Exhibit 2: I talked to this guy from time to time. He was interested in "NSA fun" as well, and claimed to be "bi-curious", which is a "justifiable" way to say he was "straight" and closeted. I don't know if a girlfriend existed with this one... Got a lot of dick pics, though.
Exhibit 3: "Straight-curious"... come on, really? In the Grindr world, this headless torso has probably seen a lot action with other guys, as long as his secret face was cute. At what point- how many same-sex hookups- would you consider a man "straight-curious"? Personally, a one-time tryst should shed light onto whether a guy has homosexual desires. When they're soliciting sex on Grindr, or have been with several other men, they're easily a closeted, denying bisexual, if not blatant homosexual.
Exhibit 4: "If I am on, I am looking for DL fun." Umm, ok, closet-case "straight" guy. These types, with no picture at all, clearly only looking for sex, are the worst. They run rampant in the Morgantown Grindr scene.
Exhibit 5: This "straight" guy was especially hot. I would've loved to run into him on campus to see him in his natural habitat. He had a thing for gym fantasies. Literally, he wanted to suck someone off at the rec center after his workouts.
Exhibit 6: I hope you can't see this guys face, I was honestly too lazy to blur it out. Oh well, he was "definitely not" out, so you can put two-and-two together. I had never seen him on campus, so I really couldn't tell you. His secrecy, though, alluded to a "down-low", "straight" man.
So, does that make you girls wonder what some "straight" guys are doing behind closed doors? It should...
I think I'm going to start luring "straight" guys who use these apps into a trap and post their pictures online for all to see and identify. That would surely make me famous... and probably the most hated gay ever. Ohh well, it may teach otherwise "straight" men not to stray from their heterosexual lifestyles when they are clearly dating and misleading women.
-dylsny
- Does your boyfriend take more time than you to get ready? (Really, with buzz cuts and no makeup to be worn, there's NO excuse)
- Does your boyfriend have trouble getting it up and keeping it up?
- Does he seem to space out during sex? i.e. He's thinking about other things... 8===)
- Have you ever caught him checking out other men?
- Have your girlfriends and gay BFFs ever confronted you about the possibility your boyfriend enjoys the company of other raging hard-ons besides his own?
- Is his phone typically off limits? (Does he have something to hide?)
- Does he prefer to watch HGTV over ESPN?
- Does he have an unexplainably strange relationship with a known or assumed homosexual?
If, for whatever reason, you suspect your boyfriend of being interested in other men, here are some ways to snoop:
- Sure, you've never seen suspicious dating apps on his phone before, but when you delete an app from your phone, it's still downloadable from the cloud or your phone's memory. Many down-low "straight" guys get a random urge to act on their deepest desires for dick and often, repeatedly, download and delete apps like Grindr. Grab his phone, go to the app store and type in Grindr... It's the go-to hook-up app for "straight" guys seeking the D. If it has been downloaded before, you have a raging homosexual on your hands.
- Check his internet browser history. This is a no-brainer. If he uses a personal laptop that rarely has other users, he's not taking the time to delete his history... unless he's completely paranoid. So check out what kind of porn he's into. Every guy looks at it, straight or gay.
- If you've had friends tell you they think your boyfriend is gay... take it seriously. You may have the gaydar of a blind and deaf, mentally challenged first grader, but some of your friends, especially the gay ones, are usually spot-on. Set the closet-case up. If you have a gay friend at your disposal that your boyfriend has never met, have him make a move on your boyfriend. Sometimes the timing and setting isn't even an issue, all men would react differently to being hit on by another guy. Those with something to hide would most likely have the biggest problem. Reaction is key. Unless he's a major homophobe, it shouldn't be hostile. On the other hand, if he returns subtle gestures to the undercover queer, then something is inevitably off.
*Remember, most guys date women before they accept their homosexuality, if they ever do, and it's most prominent during the college years.
These all sound like paranoid ways to "catch a homo," but there's no reason any woman should feel like her boyfriend isn't attracted to her, you know, because there's a V where he'd prefer a D.
To prove I'm not making this shit up and these "down-low" and "curious" guys exist, here are some Grindr profiles I encountered in my last semester of WVU. Just one semester. These are the only ones I kept record of... In Morgantown, this was common:
1)
2)
2)
3)
4)
4)
5)
6)
6)Exhibit 1: This guy clearly lists he has a girlfriend he's not out to as, I'm assuming, bisexual. Looking for "NSA fun"... Cool, so your girlfriend doesn't know you like other men OR that you're using Grindr to solicit sex? Winner.
Exhibit 2: I talked to this guy from time to time. He was interested in "NSA fun" as well, and claimed to be "bi-curious", which is a "justifiable" way to say he was "straight" and closeted. I don't know if a girlfriend existed with this one... Got a lot of dick pics, though.
Exhibit 3: "Straight-curious"... come on, really? In the Grindr world, this headless torso has probably seen a lot action with other guys, as long as his secret face was cute. At what point- how many same-sex hookups- would you consider a man "straight-curious"? Personally, a one-time tryst should shed light onto whether a guy has homosexual desires. When they're soliciting sex on Grindr, or have been with several other men, they're easily a closeted, denying bisexual, if not blatant homosexual.
Exhibit 4: "If I am on, I am looking for DL fun." Umm, ok, closet-case "straight" guy. These types, with no picture at all, clearly only looking for sex, are the worst. They run rampant in the Morgantown Grindr scene.
Exhibit 5: This "straight" guy was especially hot. I would've loved to run into him on campus to see him in his natural habitat. He had a thing for gym fantasies. Literally, he wanted to suck someone off at the rec center after his workouts.
Exhibit 6: I hope you can't see this guys face, I was honestly too lazy to blur it out. Oh well, he was "definitely not" out, so you can put two-and-two together. I had never seen him on campus, so I really couldn't tell you. His secrecy, though, alluded to a "down-low", "straight" man.
So, does that make you girls wonder what some "straight" guys are doing behind closed doors? It should...
I think I'm going to start luring "straight" guys who use these apps into a trap and post their pictures online for all to see and identify. That would surely make me famous... and probably the most hated gay ever. Ohh well, it may teach otherwise "straight" men not to stray from their heterosexual lifestyles when they are clearly dating and misleading women.
-dylsny
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