That one time...

... I threatened my father's mistress.

Ok, I got your attention with "mistress," but I guess she shouldn't technically be classified as such. When my parents separated and before their divorce was final, good ole Jimmy Snyds started fucking our next door neighbor. He's a rather upstanding individual, my father. This woman is a rather upstanding individual as well. She has dated half of my hometown and has been successfully un-married for nearly 25 years. Red flag? If no one will marry the bitch over that long of a time period, then don't date her either... there's obviously something wrong.

During one of my "Snyderfests", my party had been carried onto my driveway. We weren't being rowdy in most regards, but neighbors could definitely tell something was going on at the Snyder house. Apparently, my father realized as well. As I'm having myself a grand ole time in the driveway with my friends, taking shots of my go-to liquor of the time: 99 bananas, my dad decides to make an appearance.

He walks over to the house and enters the driveway. I guess, legally, he has a right to be at the home he built and currently pays the mortgage for, but at the time, he was not welcome at 142 Westgate Drive. He claimed his girlfriend's dog was missing. Boo hoo, pops, now get the fuck out of here. After my friends talked to him briefly, apologizing for my drunken behavior, he was off, back to his whore's house across the street.

The party continued and I kept taking shots. One of my best friends, Amanda, happened to have her digital camera out taking pictures of the night. Suddenly, Slutty McSlutterson, my dad's fuck buddy and slore girlfriend, shows up on my driveway. No. She. Didn't.

I immediately confronted her about what the fuck she thought she was doing. She reiterated to myself and party-goers her dog was missing. "Yeah, bitch, we know, my dad already came over and told us." I was more than ready to verbally annihilate this twat. Amanda, at this time, had taken out her camera to record the confrontation. I'm quoted after reminding her she is not welcome on my property that, "If I find your dog, I'm going to kill it... and set your house on fire. Now, get the fuck off my property."

She took the hint and left.

Now, one may think I was rather harsh on said whore. IF YOU ONLY KNEW. I can remember when she moved into the neighborhood. My aunt and uncle were visiting from Indianapolis that weekend. Somehow, she knew my parents prior to her move, so she ended up introducing herself to everyone outside my house one afternoon. My aunt must've gotten a "flirtatious" vibe from her, because she told my mom that was a woman you needed to watch out for. Lolololololz and look where that ended up!

On my mother's birthday the same year, my sister and I took her to everyone's favorite local restaurant. After we had been sat, I saw my father and this stupid bitch walking through the restaurant. Are you kidding me? Granted, my dad dined there on a regular basis, but he ALWAYS sat on the bar side. That night, while we were celebrating my mother's birthday, the woman he was still married to, they entered the same room we were seated in to dine. As the two passed, my dad kept to himself and smiled to us as he waved, and she followed suit, making a point to say, "Happy birthday, Marie" to my mother. My mom had to stop me from standing up. I asked if she wanted to find another table in the restaurant to eat at, considering those twats were seated behind us, but, being the strong, confident woman my mother is, she refused and we continued our dinner.

If there's any lesson learned from my story, it is: Don't become that bitch. Don't be the person with a less-than-savory reputation in your town for "getting around" and dating everyone, especially in your 40s/50s. Don't consider dating a man that is still legally married and has a wife and daughter living directly across the street from your home. Have some decency, wait for the divorce to be final, or use absolute discretion.

You may think, "well what about your father?" There are no excuses for him either... exactly why we didn't speak for 6 months.

***Disclosure: I would never harm an animal... and more than likely never set fire to somebody's home***

-DMS