...I was physically removed from Joe Mama's.
Around this time last year, I accompanied my friend to her Occupational Therapy formal at Joe Mama's. I've been to several formals before, and the only way to get the best out of them is to kill a bottle with your date beforehand. Smart? No. Fun? Yes. It sets you up for disaster, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Remember, we go hard here at WVU. By the time I reached the bar, I was making good on time to Blackout City.
Joe Mama's has a system where you must surrender your ID when opening a tab. This is fine, it should help with closing the correct tabs and ensure the bartender's don't fuck up (Not the case). I ordered my first drink after opening a tab and it all went downhill from there.
I woke the next morning with concerned texts from my friends, missed calls, and a concerned voicemail from my mother. Fuck, what happened? Well, I don't remember jack-shit from that night, but my friends were kind enough to get me up to speed. Apparently, when I was trying to close my tab and move onto the next bar, I was not handed back my ID. I asked the bartender a few times to check again if she still had it, but was given sass. She, in turn, got double the sass back. At the same time, I had managed to get into a verbal altercation with an OT's boyfriend. To this day, I have no idea what we were arguing about, but the douchebag was visibly upset with me... So upset, the asshole went to throw a punch.
I've never been physically attacked... and I really wish I remembered this, because I would've loved to watch this play out. I can only imagine how ridiculous my behavior was and how flamboyantly gay I was acting. It's repulsive, but alcohol brings the fag out in me. I must've sensed his fist coming, because I quickly ducked or swooped, whatever, and missed the punch. Lucky, right? Welllll, his fist still met the face of someone else, a girl, who, apparently has been punched before. What an unlucky twat. How does one manage to get accidentally punched twice? If anyone knows the girl, it's even funnier. She's a quiet, mousy girl who probably couldn't hurt a fly. Poor girl. Bouncers swarmed the group and I was hauled off to the sidewalk. This did not please a drunken dylsny.
I stood outside the bar arguing that they still had my ID and that I wouldn't be able to get into any other bars that night... like I needed to... But, they ensured me they did not have it. They wouldn't even let me back in to look for it. So, what other way to resolve this dispute than to call the police. Yes, I dialed 911 because I was convinced Joe Mama's was holding my ID hostage. A squad car arrived and the officer was visibly displeased with me. He threatened to give me a public intox if somebody didn't come to haul my drunken ass home. All hail Julie and Sami, who came to my aid and apologized to the policeman for my behavior. I can still somewhat remember Sami's face when she found me causing such a spectacle outside Joe Mama's, it was priceless, like she was witnessing a unicorn prancing the streets of Morgantown. This type of behavior is not uncommon for me. This was not the first time I called 911 for being removed from a bar. I usually tell the police and bar employees that, "My father, an attorney in Wheeling, will not stand for this"... My dad is a UPS man. Not a fucking attorney. He couldn't have gotten a law degree even if he had been implanted with Einstein's brain.
A couple weeks later, my friends wanted to go to Joe Mama's. I was done with that place. There was no way I was going back. I was publicly humiliated. But, I was convinced by friends they wouldn't remember me... And nobody would go to Bent Willey's with me... So, I pulled out my passport to show the first bouncer, who quickly responded, "So, you gonna call the FBI tonight?" Funny, bro. Bouncer: 1, dylsny: 0. The next bouncer opened the door for me and stopped me as I walked in. He told me, "Dude, I gotta apologize to you, we did have your ID the entire time, I'm sorry about that mix up a few weeks ago." Ummmmm, da fuck?? You twats had it the entire time?!?!?!?! Yet, you still physically removed me for a fight I didn't instigate and kept my identification from me? You bitches were the reason I endured a two-hour trip to the Morgantown DMV to replace that fucker. He said they turned my ID over to the police later that night. Bouncer: 1, dylsny: 1. Tied, bitches.
I eventually pieced everything together: I had a missed call from my mom that morning because she received a missed call from the City of Morgantown at 5 AM... It was the fucking police trying to tell me they had my ID. My mom thought the worst, or the most believable, that I was actually in jail or passed out in a hospital bed, hence her concerned voicemail.
After that incident, I gave Joe Mama's another chance, only recently to have $150 stolen from me at the hands of an incompetent, vapid bartender who doesn't know how to close the correct tab with its corresponding credit card. I'm officially done with you, Joe Mama's. Peace out, cyabyeee.
-DMS
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