"That One Time..."

...I was physically removed from Joe Mama's.

Around this time last year, I accompanied my friend to her Occupational Therapy formal at Joe Mama's. I've been to several formals before, and the only way to get the best out of them is to kill a bottle with your date beforehand. Smart? No. Fun? Yes. It sets you up for disaster, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Remember, we go hard here at WVU. By the time I reached the bar, I was making good on time to Blackout City.

Joe Mama's has a system where you must surrender your ID when opening a tab. This is fine, it should help with closing the correct tabs and ensure the bartender's don't fuck up (Not the case). I ordered my first drink after opening a tab and it all went downhill from there.

I woke the next morning with concerned texts from my friends, missed calls, and a concerned voicemail from my mother. Fuck, what happened? Well, I don't remember jack-shit from that night, but my friends were kind enough to get me up to speed. Apparently, when I was trying to close my tab and move onto the next bar, I was not handed back my ID. I asked the bartender a few times to check again if she still had it, but was given sass. She, in turn, got double the sass back. At the same time, I had managed to get into a verbal altercation with an OT's boyfriend. To this day, I have no idea what we were arguing about, but the douchebag was visibly upset with me... So upset, the asshole went to throw a punch.

I've never been physically attacked... and I really wish I remembered this, because I would've loved to watch this play out. I can only imagine how ridiculous my behavior was and how flamboyantly gay I was acting. It's repulsive, but alcohol brings the fag out in me. I must've sensed his fist coming, because I quickly ducked or swooped, whatever, and missed the punch. Lucky, right? Welllll, his fist still met the face of someone else, a girl, who, apparently has been punched before. What an unlucky twat. How does one manage to get accidentally punched twice? If anyone knows the girl, it's even funnier. She's a quiet, mousy girl who probably couldn't hurt a fly. Poor girl. Bouncers swarmed the group and I was hauled off to the sidewalk. This did not please a drunken dylsny.

I stood outside the bar arguing that they still had my ID and that I wouldn't be able to get into any other bars that night... like I needed to... But, they ensured me they did not have it. They wouldn't even let me back in to look for it. So, what other way to resolve this dispute than to call the police. Yes, I dialed 911 because I was convinced Joe Mama's was holding my ID hostage. A squad car arrived and the officer was visibly displeased with me. He threatened to give me a public intox if somebody didn't come to haul my drunken ass home. All hail Julie and Sami, who came to my aid and apologized to the policeman for my behavior. I can still somewhat remember Sami's face when she found me causing such a spectacle outside Joe Mama's, it was priceless, like she was witnessing a unicorn prancing the streets of Morgantown. This type of behavior is not uncommon for me. This was not the first time I called 911 for being removed from a bar. I usually tell the police and bar employees that, "My father, an attorney in Wheeling, will not stand for this"... My dad is a UPS man. Not a fucking attorney. He couldn't have gotten a law degree even if he had been implanted with Einstein's brain.

A couple weeks later, my friends wanted to go to Joe Mama's. I was done with that place. There was no way I was going back. I was publicly humiliated. But, I was convinced by friends they wouldn't remember me... And nobody would go to Bent Willey's with me... So, I pulled out my passport to show the first bouncer, who quickly responded, "So, you gonna call the FBI tonight?" Funny, bro. Bouncer: 1, dylsny: 0. The next bouncer opened the door for me and stopped me as I walked in. He told me, "Dude, I gotta apologize to you, we did have your ID the entire time, I'm sorry about that mix up a few weeks ago." Ummmmm, da fuck?? You twats had it the entire time?!?!?!?! Yet, you still physically removed me for a fight I didn't instigate and kept my identification from me? You bitches were the reason I endured a two-hour trip to the Morgantown DMV to replace that fucker. He said they turned my ID over to the police later that night. Bouncer: 1, dylsny: 1. Tied, bitches.

I eventually pieced everything together: I had a missed call from my mom that morning because she received a missed call from the City of Morgantown at 5 AM... It was the fucking police trying to tell me they had my ID. My mom thought the worst, or the most believable, that I was actually in jail or passed out in a hospital bed, hence her concerned voicemail.

After that incident, I gave Joe Mama's another chance, only recently to have $150 stolen from me at the hands of an incompetent, vapid bartender who doesn't know how to close the correct tab with its corresponding credit card. I'm officially done with you, Joe Mama's. Peace out, cyabyeee.

-DMS

WVU: The Good, The Bad, and The Blatantly Stupid; Part 1

As mentioned in my intro, I'm a student at West Virginia University. For those who are unfamiliar, it's the largest university in America's shittiest state. I got my undergraduate degree from here in accounting and finance, now I'm pursuing an MBA. I've always had the "businessman" mentality- just ask anyone from my childhood neighborhood... I was always trying to make a few bucks.

WVU is a blast. Hands down. We Mountaineers have this reputation of "hard partying" and the desire to kiss our first cousins. Well, not the second part so much, but we fucking party. Most of my posts will be stories and opinions I have from my time here. Recently, during a long, miserable, and unbareable cold spell, I've come to especially loathe WVU.

I will regularly post about things I like, dislike, and plainly believe are inherently stupid about WVU. This specific post will be dedicated to one of it's downsides.


THE BAD:

WVU is built upon mountainous terrain. It is also divided into two campuses. This makes the overall university EXTREMELY INCONVENIENT. For the past couple weeks, temperatures have teetered between -10 and 20 degrees... without windchill... on a daily basis. Add in an inconceivable amount of snow, and you have one major CLUSTERFUCK.

I start my days leaving at 8:15 AM, to return many hours later at 5 PM. Yesterday, on a morning where we received even more snow, I decided to trek to class... because, well, WVU doesn't cancel. We could have extreme weather like that in the movie, The Day After Tomorrow, to the point Dennis Quaid would look outside and say, "fuck it- I'm staying in", and WVU would send all its students an email saying, "What up bitches, classes will resume today, but PLEASE, PLEASE, take precaution." Umm, for reallllzzz? And if you aren't one of those lucky bitches whose professor took the initiative to cancel class on a clearly unsafe school day... good luck getting to class. Hope you don't die.

So, I started walking. It's a 10 minute walk to my classes. My time doubled because none of the sidewalks were clear. A black bear probably couldn't have navigated its way safely down the massive hill I live on. I slipped several times, but gracefully maintained my stature. It was halfway down my walk, after passing several 4 wheel drive vehicles struggling on the treacherous roads, that I caught myself mid-fall and chipped my tooth. It's not a bad chip by any means, but I noticed it, and I fucking love my teeth. I had braces for two painful years, whiten the shit out of them, and I use them to chew my food several times a day. They're at the top my "best qualities" list.

Should I send the bill that I'm inevitably going to incur to correct my gorgeous, chipped tooth to WVU or the city of Morgantown? WVU for blatantly putting students in danger going to class... And the city for being completely incompetent in their ability to clear public roads and sidewalks. I will not stand for this. Will I attend the next city council meeting? No. Will I write the university President? No. What I will do is tweet and blog my anger, for all you bitches to read. If Morgantown put as much effort into snow removal as they did ticketing and towing, I could probably drive a Lambo up 3rd Street on any given day during the winter months. It's fucking ludicrous.

But hey, shout out to all you southern bitches crying about weather in the 40's. Seriously, choke on a massive, frozen dicksicle. Nobody from up here in bumfucked WV care to hear your incessant cries of stupidity.

-DMS

Introductory

For some reason, you've come across my blog. Thanks, I'm honored, and in the long-run, I hope I don't disappoint. I'm Dylan, sometimes known as "dylsny", a nickname I coined for myself on twitter many years ago, that has inevitably expanded across many facets of social media. I'm a small-town guy with sights set on city living. I'm a grad student, server, token homosexual, and car enthusiast. I spend most my days pretending to be efficient and productive... and let's face it, acting like a respectable human being. Honestly, I'd much rather be living a life of thrills and debauchery in a place like El Lay, but find myself stuck in this godforsaken place known as West Virginia... for the time being.

I'm getting my masters in business from my alma mater, WVU. I decided to pursue this degree only because: I. Couldn't. Find. A. Fucking. Job. It will ultimately benefit myself in terms of future career endeavors, but I'd much rather just become BFFs with Chelsea Handler... or win the lottery... Lucky bitches. I'm highly sarcastic, somewhat motivated, one helluva good time, and truth be told, somewhat of a good person. My friends and family would (hopefully) second the aforementioned characteristics, but I' also slightly narcissistic, so I'm honestly unsure. 

Finally, I love to write, something people may not know about me. I decided to start this blog to bring humor to my readers, express my opinions and frustrations, and tell some unforgettable stories from my sometimes, unreal life. Hopefully you feel the same after reading some of my posts. Pass this shit along to friends, friends of friends, coworkers, what have you. (Maybe not your mother or a conservative uncle) I'd greatly appreciate it and will forever be in your debts.

With all that bullshit said, let the hilarity ensue.